Financial humor

GOLDMAN SACHS PLUNGES AFTER ONE BOARD MEMBER ADMITS HE?S HUMAN

Goldman Sachs fell 1.25% on Friday as investors looked for havens in more merciless companies.According to Jack Thorhammer, a Wall Street analyst specialized in financials, "Goldman?s success was built on binary code, by hiring merciless robots able to squeeze cents from banana peels".

Thorhammer added that "investors worry that there could be more humans on the board. Goldman may literally be hiding more skeletons in the closet".

Mary Bull, from Bull, Bull & Bull Associates, thinks that this plunge represents a good buying opportunity: "Oh yeah, oh boy, we are super excited about Goldman! We have a price target of $567 by June, if not before".

COULD THERE BE MORE HUMANS ON GOLDMAN?

Goldman Sachs denied our request for an interview, alleging that all its senior executives were undergoing routine maintenance. According to Patricia Von Geek, founder of Geek Industries and a senior partner at So Smart & So Alone Inc, "it?s highly unlikely that there are more humans working in senior positions at Goldman Sachs.

The security cameras never showed anyone from the board going to toilet or eating anything. But they do drink a lot: anti-freeze is very popular on the top floor".

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PUTIN CHANGES NAME TO ESCAPE US SANCTIONS

Vladimir is now called Ras and should be addressed as President Ras Putin

It?s a blow to those who said that the sanctions against Russia wouldn?t work.

Putin decided to drop the Vladimir after his credit card was refused by Ebay, when he tried to buy a used pin of himself. Witnesses say that Ras Putin realized in that moment that to keep shopping on Ebay, he would have to change his name to escape Western sanctions.

According to a Kremlin source, Vladimir analized a long list of options till reaching a short list of just three names: Adolfovsky, Napoleonov and Estalinenko.

The Russian President was about to become Estalinenko Putin, when a last minute suggestion from his staff changed everything: “Why not Ras? Ras Putin?”.

Ras loved it so much, that the man behind the idea was immediately deported to Siberia to prevent him from having other brilliant ideas, that could, one day, eventually, be used against Putin.

Officially, the Kremlin denies that Vladimir changed his name to escape Western sanctions. The oficial story says that “Ras Putin brings an aura of mysticism to Russian politics, not seen since the original Rasputin and Boris Ieltsin?s naked garden walks after getting drunk before breakfast”.

The rebranding of Vladimir will also allow him to use Boney M?s hit single “Ra-Ra-Rasputin” as his new campaign song for the next election.

Unlike the original Rasputin who wore a long beard, the new Ras Putin will keep his face clean and grow a beard in the chest instead.

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TRADING VOLUME ON THE NYSE OFFICIALLY DECLARED ENDANGERED SPECIES

At the current volume decline rate, the NYSE may be closed before Easter


As Volume dries up, traders are using their work hours to do Tai Chi or play iPad Solitaire. Trader Patrick Slacker told us that "last week we decided to buy and sell our own underwear just to keep the trading instincts working. Unfortunately I did some naked shorts and was caught with my pants down on that trade".

Experts are not sure of why Volume is disappearing from the stock market, but it may be connected with the bees? die off. A Senior Zoologist & Market Analyst at Pol-Len Inc. says that "trading volume started to disappear at just about the same time the bees starting dying. We suspect that the bees were behind most of the bidding".

With the bees out of the market, it?s only a matter of time before the market as a whole goes from a trading jungle, to a Volume desert. Traders have started to adjust to the new scenario by calling Wall Street "The Dune", and replacing the expression "bull market" by "camel bazaar". At the current volume decline rate, the NYSE may be closed before Easter and the PPT will have to buy and sell to itself under the counter.

Trading volume at the NYSE is now officially an endangered species, and conservation measures like forcing people to buy stocks may be required. But even that may not work, as most people would probably just buy Apple shares anyway.

Trying to keep up with the new Volume desertification trend, some brokerage firms have started hiring Scorpio traders. It?s a Sign of times...

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