As Gywneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announce their split, Tom Cowell, a long-serving British husband to a gorgeous American woman, runs through the lows and highs of an international union.

As news of the Gwyneth Paltrow/ Chris Martin split sinks in, it’s clear which half of the couple will get more press sympathy. Gwyneth is a Hollywood superstar with a megawatt smile, bewitching charisma, and a figure so perfect it could drive a sculptor mad. Chris Martin plays the piano at a school-play level, looks a bit sad, and displays all the animal magnetism of a Carphone Warehouse.
The media picks sides, and it won’t be his. So who is going to stick up for poor old Chris? Marrying an American can be absolute torture (I have eight years experience and counting). Let’s run down some of the awful attributes that Mr Martin had to endure for 12 long years:

Here are some of the pitfalls:

Obsessed with Mexican food
For some reason, Americans believe that the constant and dirt-cheap availability of Mexican food is a human right. Tell them there is nowhere to get an affordable burrito in, say, Merthyr Tydfil, and they will gape in shock, like you just sang the national anthem in Klingon.

The idea that their country has a lot of Mexican food because, er … they share a 800 mile border with Mexico, simply does not compute. Mexican food should be everywhere. Like oxygen, or laughter. If it is not, the universe is fundamentally misaligned. Chris, Gwyneth is gone. But at least you don’t have to put up with this ridiculous behaviour anymore.