Blue Parents on Red Kid alert

Bwaaahahahahahah!

Blue Parents on Red Kid Alert
Friday, November 19, 2004
By Joanne Jacobs
December 19, 2003
Iowahawk reports on the latest way for blue-state adolescents to rebel: They're going "Dollywood" in Palo Alto, Calif., he writes. Satirically.

The story starts with Rain, who insists his mothers call him Bobby Ray.

She opens the door to a reveal a riot of George Jones CDs, reflective 'mudflap mama' stickers, empty foil packs of Red Man, and U.S. Marine recruiting posters. In the middle of the room: a makeshift table made from a utility cable spool, bearing a the remains of a gutted catfish.

"This used to be all Ikea," she says, rocking on heels between heaved sobs.

"It's too late for us. Maybe it's not to late for me to warn others."

"Cracker" culture is spreading across blue America like trucker hats, the story warns.

"It was one day last spring," says Ellen McCormack. "My life partner Carol and I were in the garage, working on a giant Donald Rumsfeld papier-mache head for the Bay Area March Against the War, when Rain walked by. I thought he looked kind of strange, so I stopped him and looked closely into his eyes. Then I realized the truth -- he was wearing a mullet. I was shocked, but he swore to me that it was only ironic."

"After a few months, it was clear Rain had lied to us -- that hideous Kentucky waterfall was completely earnest," she adds, choking back sobs.

Her 18-year old son would soon exhibit other signs of disturbing changes.

"I was driving past a McDonalds one day last summer, and I thought I saw Rain's bike outside. He had told me earlier that he was going to a friend's house to stuff envelopes for the Dennis Kucinich campaign. I pulled a U-turn and headed back," she recalls. "When I confronted him in the parking lot, he started giving me a lame story about how he was only there to protest globalization, but I could smell the french fries on his breath."

It starts with french fries and pork rinds. It ends with bass fishing and stock car races.

"I was shocked, but he swore to me that it was only ironic"

That phrase is hilarious.