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STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

What’s another name for long term investment?
A failed short term investment!

A study of economics usually reveals
that the best time to buy anything was last year.

An economist is an expert
who will know tomorrow
why the things he predicted yesterday
didn’t happen today.

Why did God create stock analysts?
In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Where should I invest my money?
Put it on booze. Where else you get forty percent?

Who was the world’s first stock broker?
Noah – He floated his stock while the world was in liquidation.

An investor to his advisor:
Is really all my money gone?
No, of course not. It’s just with somebody else!

Great, Albie!